MELVIN ZWICK’S VISIT WITH PHOOEY RALPH

THE SECRET SPY

BY

WHO ELSE BUT THE GREAT MELVIN ZWICK

  

   It is quite cold in Aspen before the sun comes up.  I, MELVIN ZWICK, left Red’s home early in the morning because I was not much for saying goodbye.

   I, MELVIN ZWICK, had spent several months with my friend Red in his cabin on the outskirts of Aspen.  The time had been spent exchanging life’s stories.  I, MELVIN ZWICK thought I had done it all but when compare to Red’s life my life was boring.  Red had adventures that far exceeded those of mine.  I, MELVIN ZWICK, was a little envious.

  I, MELVIN ZWICK, will never forget the drive to Aspen in Red’s fantastic Ferrari.  I, MELVIN ZWICK, had had many great exciting adventures but none would hold a candle to the drive in that Ferrari.

   But as with all great adventures they have to come to an end.  It was time for me, MELVIN ZWICK, to move on.  New adventures in the West were calling me.

   So it was that I, MELVIN ZWICK, was on the road again bumming rides with anyone who was headed his way.

   I, MELVIN ZWICK, had not gone too far before a trucker stopped and offered me a lift.  As it turned out the trucker was not headed my way.  However the trucker left me, MELVIN ZWICK, off at a coffee shop that was on the road to the west.  There were a bunch of travelers partaking in breakfast.  It might be a great spot to bum a ride headed West.

  I, MELVIN ZWICK, had a unique way of hitching rides.  I might use my thumb to get rides but they usually took me, MELVIN ZWICK, to local truck stops.  When in a truck stop I, MELVIN ZWICK, would strike up conversations with truckers who had stopped for a quick bite to eat.  I would explain how I was on the way looking for new adventures.  A little of my, MELVIN ZWICK’S, life laid out would usually interest someone in giving me a ride headed my way. 

   I, MELVIN ZWICK, had not been gone too long from Reds house before I made friends with a trucker headed to Tucson.  Tucson was not really on the road to where I wanted to go but it might be nice to visit Grandpa’s home.

  I had heard of a fellow who had a great investment idea and wanted to capitalized on it.  He had given me his phone number through several secret agents.  I was told by the last agent in charge to not divulge the number to anyone.  He did not specify the penalty for divulging the phone number but it was obvious from his tone of voice the consequences would be very grave indeed.

 

  After several truck rides I, MELVIN ZWICK, arrived in Tucson.  Being an ex CIA agent it was no problem to find a place to hang my hat. 

  The room was on the second floor of a building on the South West corner of 6^th street and Campbell.  I was familiar with the building from my childhood with Grandpa.  In those days the building was a drugstore.  We boys used to hang out at the soda fountain drinking cherry cokes and reading the magazines in the magazine racks.

  The girl behind the counter was Mary Lou Pool.  Perhaps you are wondering why I remember her name.  She was the first girl I ever had a crush on.  In my young eyes she was the most beautiful girl in the world.  I drank many cherry cokes just so I could watch her.  She was a senior in high school and I was still in Jr High School.

  I never will forget the day she told me it was too bad I was not a little older.  After that I drank so many sodas I almost turned into a cherry.

  Enough dreaming of beautiful Mary Lou Pool.

 

  I unpacked all my things (one shopping bag full of stuff) and made a call to the secret number.  The call was answered by a gentleman who asked all sorts of questions.  It was obvious he was the head security man for the fellow I was to meet. 

  He finally agreed to have the fellow with the great investment secret meet me at the McDonalds on Broadway across from the Park Mall.

 

  I secreted my handy spy camera and took off to the McDonalds.

 

  I arrived on the assigned time and took a seat near the East window.  That way I could check who arrived in the parking lot on the East side of the building.

 

  It was a long wait.  In fact it was so long I, MELVIN ZWICK, almost got up and went on my merry way.  In fact I started to slide out of the seat when I spotted a black car with very dark tinted windows drive into the parking lot.  I slid back on to the seat and primed my spy camera.

  An old fellow wearing a baseball cap with a stock of hair hanging down to his neck got out.  He headed to the entry way.

 

  As soon as he was visible inside the building I took a quick photo.

 

  As you can see the photo does not show our secret fellow very will.  Secret fellows have a way of preventing anyone from taking decent photos of themselves.

  I attempted to take another photo as the fellow got nearer my table.

 Just as soon as I clicked the shutter button the fellow ducked behind a column.  Another wasted photo.

 

Grandpa’s brother, Phooey Ralph.

  Phooey Ralph is the brunt of many jokes by me, MELVIN ZWICK, and Grandpa.  However no one knows much about his life as he has maintained it a secret from the world.  His reason for doing that is the rest of the story.

 

  Phooey Ralph was into being a soldier from the time he could walk.    The first words he spoke were left right as in marching left right left ……..left……left right left.  Even as a baby he marched around the house shouting left, right , left, left…………..left, right left.  The next words he learned were “About Face.” All military marching commands.

  He learned to ride horse before he was out of diapers.  Riding full size horses caused his legs to bow so that he looked like a cowboy.

   Back then he was known as the Little General.

  The boys with their Mom spent some time in the Pacific Ocean.  At first he was afraid of the water because he almost drowned in a swimming pool when he was younger.  Once he overcame his initial fear he learned to swim with no fear. 

 

  Phooey Ralph started training in Karate at a very early age.  Unfortunately he bit the tip of his tongue when he posed for this photo.

  The Little General was always very patriotic.  He was already working on disguises he would use later when he would become a freelance industrial spy. 
 

   This is a very rare photo of Phooey Ralph.  He was not allowed to wear any disguise while dressed in his ROTC uniform.  Note how he is showing respect to his handsome older brother Lee who was a sergeant in the ROTC.

  This rare picture of Phooey Ralph and Handsome brother Lee was taken at their mother’s home in Tucson. 

        Phooey Ralph was always known as the thinker.  He would put his hands on his chin and go into a trance as he pondered the problem.

   Phooey Ralph graduated from the University of Arizona with a degree in Business.

    He older brother, Lee, worked very hard and got a Bachelor of Science degree in Mechanical Engineering.   

   Phooey Ralph would mock his older good looking brother by walking around like a robot saying he was Lee the mechanical engineer.

   Phooey Ralph was always fascinated by the military.  After Graduating from the University he enrolled in a combat ranger program and learned all the tricks of the trade of rangers.  His specialty was hand to hand combat.  He was good at it but never as proficient as his brother Lee who was eventually promoted to 5^th Degree black belt in Shotokan Karate.

   Once he graduated from the military training he was recruited as a freelance industrial spy. 

Phooey Ralph would study the new product development of Companies.  Once he discovered a valuable secret he would sneak into the Company and steal it and sell it to the highest bidder. Sometimes the highest bidder was the original owner of the secret.

  It was a very dangerous job. 

  For a while Phooey Ralph hired Lydia Bowes as his body guard.

   Here she is shown blasting the head off a snowman with her trusty shotgun. 

 Just a side note:  Lydia got her cool nerves from her Chocolate loving Momma who took this picture.  Great job Momma.  You caught the snowman losing his head without a jerk of the camera as the shotgun went off.

   On one mission he stole a secret from a marshmallow factory.  They had developed a marshmallow that would not catch fire when held on a stick over a fire.  As everyone who has roasted a marshmallow over a fire knows they make terrible smores because they always catch on fire and melt before they can be placed between the cookies.

   This caper nearly got Phooey Ralph captured.  He was testing the new marshmallows over a campfire when it was noticed by campers nearby that his marshmallows he was roasting over they fire were not melting.  They asked him about the non- melting marshmallows.  He tried to explain that roasting marshmallows over a campfire without them melting or catching fire required a special talent.  When he could not explain the special talent the campers called the marshmallow police that came on site.  Phooey Ralph was one step ahead of them and was off and running before they got there. 

   Unfortunately he jumped up when he heard the police sirens and dropped a melting, on fire marshmallow on this hip pocket where the formula was secreted.  The fiery marshmallow burned a hole in his back pocket and caught the formula on fire and burned a hole in his pants.  The molten marshmallow stuck to his bottom side and produced a big blister that prevented him from sitting down for a week. 

   Phooey Ralph, as his memory was never as good as his handsome big Brother Lee’s, lost the only copy of the formula.

   Unfortunately we will have to have uncooked marshmallows until marshmallow scientist redevelop the receipt for non-melting marshmallows because the only copy of the formula was destroyed in Phooey Ralph’s back pocket.  Grandpa's grandson Joseph does not seem to mind eating un-fired marshmallows.

  Another time Phooey Ralph heard of a fellow who had developed a non- slip bar of soap.  This fellow lived on Radsheu Island which is off shore of Kenya.

   Phooey Ralph went on the internet and did some research about the inland of Radsheu. 

   He found the island was very prosperous.  The island had many wealthy people who worked hard to develop the industry on the island. The island main source of income was tourism.  People flocked to the island to enjoy the wonderful beaches and relaxed style of living.

 The majority of the population was hard working people who were satisfied to work for a very decent salary.  A great majority of the islanders had good health care coverage.  

  The Islanders work till they were 60 years old then retired on a social security living which they had invested in while they worked. 

   It was so prosperous it was being invaded by aliens from other nearby countries who were looking for a more prosperous way of life. 

  The Health Net on the Island was very good however the illegal aliens were overloading the system as they got free care at the hard working Islanders expense. 

  Of course, as in all societies, there were the people who thought they were owed a living.  Along with the foreign invaders these people were draining the Government’s resources.  This caused the Government to increase taxes.

   Phooey Ralph noted that all the research he did indicated the island was a miniature United States.

 

   Phooey Ralph flew his private sea plane to the island and donned his best Tom Selleck disguise and rented a Ferrari.

   For those of us who know Phooey Ralph well know that he thinks he looks like Tom Selleck so for him disguising himself as Tom Selleck is very easy.

 

  He stayed in one of the elegant local tourist huts. 

  The hut had a very fancy bathroom but they provided very slippery soap.

  A quick tour of the island by Phooey Ralph showed him the islanders seemed to be an unhappy lot.  The conditions of the country did not seem to match the tourist brochures.

   There were several small factories scattered thorough the island.  They manufactured things mainly for export. The workers were paid a meager salary.  It seems the companies were strapped into paying large amounts for government run health care for their workers. 

  There were numerous farms around the island.  However few grew any crops.  Farm animals were few and far between.

   The large mansions on the mountains around were in shabby shape.  The island vegetation was overcoming the mansions.

 It was Phooey Ralph’s impression that the island did not match that described on the internet and in travel books. The whole country seemed to be in tatters.

  After the tour of the island Phooey Ralph decided it was time to learn more about the secret of the non-slip soap.

  Being a super spy he determined the best way to find the formula was to complain about the slippery soap the resort puts in their tourists huts. 

   Sure enough in about three days a fellow in a black trench coat saddled up to Phooey Ralph and in a whisper said, “Your wanna buy some non-slippery soap?”  Being a smart spy he told the trench coat wearing character he took lots of showers and needed to buy a case of the non-slip soap.  Phooey Ralph said he would only talk to the big non-slippery soap honcho. 

  The trench clad stranger invited Phooey Ralph into his dilapidated old clunker.  A bone jarring ride left Phooey Ralph wondering if they would ever make their destination. 

  On the way they passed a small sheep and goat ranch.  The driver said the ranch was called The Crossroads Country Ranch and was run by several young people.

 

  The driver identified the ranchers as Victoria, Caroline, who are the goat raisers and Lydia who is the sheep raisers.  The ranchers really love their animals.

 The ranch also raises puppies and provides dog boarding service.  The driver told Phooey Ralph that Danny, who belongs to Rancher Kyle, was the father of a bunch of puppies.

   Danny is noted on the Ranch for his boundless energy.  He is full of pep always ready to go and chase balls that Kyle hits with his baseball bat. 

  Valerie loves her Aussie pup.  She is also great at giving rides to her younger brothers Timothy and Joseph.  Hey wait a minute.  Who is that standing at the left of the photo.

 Valerie’s Aussie Anna is noted for being a very beautiful pup.

   The ranchers are a very religious family that is led by Preacher Timothy.

 

  And what would a great ranch be without a fire marshal.  That Job is filled by their youngest Crossroads Country rancher Joseph.

  The jolting dilapidated car finally stopped at an upscale mansion.   There were all sorts of sheep and goats running loose around the property.

   The shady driver in the trench coat led Phooey Ralph into the home and into a dark room.    

   Sitting in a darken corner was a character speaking as if he was saying speeches. 

   The driver whispered that the fellow was Doctor Hussein O.  The driver said he was the creator of the non-slip soap.

   As Phooey Ralph’s eyes adjusted he got a glimpse of the fellow talking in the corner. 

  A closer look showed that Hussein O was seated behind teleprompter screens as he receipted his speeches.  He was a very frightening character with bones in his nose and a head surrounded with feathers.

   The trench clad driver introduced Hussein O to Phooey

Ralph.  Hussein O welcomed Phooey Ralph and invited him to sit down.  Phooey Ralph looked around the hut looking for a chair.  Not finding a chair he sat on a drum.  The sound the drum made as Phooey Ralph placed his butt on it made Hussein O Laugh.  Hussein O came out of the shadow and sat down on a drum repeating the drum sound.  The second drum sound brought a fellow out who served two iced tea drinks.  

  At first Phooey Ralph was shocked to see Hussein O’s mode of dress.  The following photo described Hussein O’s dress better than I can.

 

  Hussein O and phooey Ralph talked about many things before Phooey

Ralph asked him about his non slip soap.

   At first Hussein O never answered Phooey Ralph’s question about the soap.  Hussein O took Phooey Ralph out into the yard and showed him how well the goats and sheep were organized. 

   Hussein O told Phooey Ralph that early on he found that he has a mesmerizing form of speech.  All he had to do was talk to the sheep and they fell in line.  They would gaze at him as if they were hypnotized when he spoke.

   He had started organizing the animals on the farm.  He mentioned there were no pigs at the farm as they were against his Muslim religion.

  Hussein O realized he had something going.  Maybe his mesmerizing speech could work on people.  He could bring change to the island.  He could be king of the island.  

   Hussein O said he started talking to the people of the island.  He offered them change they could believe in. 

   Hussein O said the people fell in line just like his sheep.  They started chanting, “Change we can believe in.” several stated they had a thrill run up their leg every time they heard Hussein O speak.

   The people under the leadership of Hussein O became just like his flock of sheep a happy and satisfied people.  Hussein O called the villagers his flock.

  Hussein told Phooey Ralph he was so impressed with his mesmerizing speech he was preparing to try his Community Organizing in the Unites States.  If his mesmerizing speech had the same effect on the citizens he would run for The US Senate. 

  He started describing his plans for the future.  He planned on moving to the United States and to run for political office.  He explained there was a problem in his plan.  He had been born in Kenya and would not be a US citizen.  He had figured a way to circumvent that problem by have his friends in Hawaii get him a false birth certificate and insert his birth announcement into old records of papers that were circulated on his birthday.

  Phooey Ralph was so enthralled by Hussein O’s hypnotic speech he ordered and paid cash for 30 tons of the non-slip soap without even testing it.  Phooey Ralph received the formula for the non- slip soap.  In return he was to pay Hussein O a commission on all the soap he manufactured.

  Phooey Ralph had received a crate of the non-slip soap from the slick talking Hussein O as he left Hussein-O home. 

   He was beginning to question his deal he had made with Hussein O as he road back to town in the dilapidated jalopy.

  He went to his hotel room and tried the soap out.  He stepped into the shower with a bar of the non- slip soap.  The soap immediately slipped out of his hands and fell to the floor.  Phooey Ralph when reaching for it stepped on it and fell backwards.  He hit his head.  He immediately dressed and went to the hospital.  He was confronted with about 100 people waiting in the emergency room for treatment.  He was told that the Emergency Room Doctor would probably get to see him in about six days.  As Phooey learned the waiting flock of people was made up mostly illegal immigrants who were being taking care of by Hussein O free medical care.

 He did the only thing he could do.  He immediately boarded his sea plane and headed home where he hoped to get to a hospital where he would be treated in a short time.

  This venture ended his spy career as he found the non- slip soap was scam concocted by the mesmerizing Hussein O.  He was left poor as he had spent all his fortune on the soap scam  

  Phooey Ralph retired as he lost interest in the spy game.  He never overcame the need to be secretive and even when meeting his good looking brother he could not resist hiding from the camera.

  

  Once he retired he was looking for something to do.  So what did he do?

  He took after me, MELVIN ZWICK, and started writing books. His books are on conspiracy theories.  All of his books have been best sellers.

   The photo of a painting shown below was just discovered.  It shows that Phooey Ralph had an interest in the country for a long time.

  Here Phooey Ralph is shown giving his advice George Washington at the Constitutional Convention.  George Washington is known as the father of the country.  That makes Phooey Ralph a very old fellow.   A lot older than me, MELVIN ZWICK.

  He became very successful with several of his books that were best sellers.  Some of his books are even published in foreign countries in their own language.  Why even the Chinese are publishing one of his books.

   Go Phooey Ralph.

  And there you have the story of Phooey Ralph, secret agent, industrial spy, best selling author brother to his famous silversmith brother Lee.

  I, MELVIN ZWICK, enjoyed my visit with Phooey Ralph.  He is quite a jokester however the jokes get old after a while. 

 

THE END FOR NOW